Trial and Error, but is it Really an Error?
I haven’t posted in a long time; I am working full time and busy with kids coaching their sports team or running them around, and playing Mom. Time is passing quickly and I see the changes in my kids, which I love and I try to be a part of, even on days that I don’t feel well. I am also seeing and feeling changes in myself, and some are not what I have hoped for.
I am STILL riding the rollercoaster of health and have been feeling quite discouraged lately when I feel I am fighting an uphill battle with no end in sight. I don’t understand why I keep going up and down, it doesn’t make sense to myself, my husband, or those close to me who know everything I do to keep myself healthy and on track. I sit in my sauna a couple of times a week, I eat healthy -most of the time, there are days that I have a treat or eat something that isn’t as “clean” as it could be, but nothing too much that should send me into a tailspin. I take supplements to aid in the areas that I need, I see naturopathic doctors for microscope blood tests to analyze my body, I get blood tests from traditional doctors to analyze my body and use both to find solutions to improve my health. I have had IV Therapy sessions to infuse my body with tremendous amounts of vitamins, minerals and nutrition. I use Sue for the biofeedback when my body needs extra energy to heal. I listen to my body when I feel tired and I rest, not pushing myself even though I want to. I spend many nights on my couch resting when I have a list of other things I would rather or need to do to try to prevent the fatigue from lasting weeks instead of days. I have tried for YEARS to create peace, health and balance in my body, but all of my efforts seem unable to sustain long-term health. WHY?
It was the middle of March and I was on a walk with a friend, who out of nowhere, mentioned the amount of women she knows who are getting explants- their breast implants removed. This was not something we had ever talked about before so I didn’t know she had implants and she didn’t know I did, but obviously we both assumed each of us did have them it just wasn’t something we needed to discuss...until now. She continued to tell me about articles she had read how sick implants are making women, how toxic they are and how thousands of women are explanting and feeling better. I was shocked. I couldn’t even talk, it was like I had run into a brick wall. Somehow I managed to ask who some of the women were around here that she knew; I had to talk to them. My mind couldn’t stop, all I could think about was myself and wondering if this was the cause of my illness for years. I had in the past questioned if my implants could be a problem, but I hadn’t ever heard anything so I put my time and research into other solutions.
I was nervous to message Stephanie, who lives here in Pocatello and explanted not too long ago, and ask if she would be willing to talk to me about her explant experience. I didn’t want to offend her or hurt feelings or bring it up if it was too personal, but I did it anyway, I had to. After a couple of days with no response I began to worry that I had offended her, until she eased my mind and replied that she would be so happy to talk and share. We talked on the phone that night for an hour and a half and I immediately felt that this was something that I needed to research and do myself. As nervous, scared, angry, sad as I was, I knew I needed to explant. Stephanie connected me to a couple of Facebook groups with over 70,000 women who have or are going through the exact same thing as me . Needless to say, I have been obsessed with these pages for the last month, reading stories, searching files, looking at before and after pictures, and connecting with others. If you know me, you know that I don’t mess around, once I make my mind up to do something, it is going to get done ASAP. It’s a family trait and something that has been very beneficial for me throughout my life. I have recently visited with two doctors in Utah for consultations to explant and have found the doctor that I feel comfortable to do the procedure. It’s not cheap and not a simple procedure, but I know it’s right. May 8th is the day that I will remove these toxic bags that are hopefully the culprit for the years of illness.
For many, this won’t make sense, but for me, it all adds up. Let me explain…
I kept this blog beginning a year or so after I became very sick, so I went back and traced some dates and the timing of events. 13 months after I had my fourth baby, Brinley, I got implants. I had “nice boobs” before babies, which seemed to be sucked dry after nursing them all (which I wouldn’t trade for anything). I felt that to be loved and accepted by others (particularly my spouse even though he didn’t encourage me to get implants) as well as myself, I needed to have nice breasts and body. Thank you society for sending this message at a young age. Six months after having my implants is when I became VERY ILL without many people knowing. I rapidly declined, you can read the first post in my blog “My Story to Tell” which explains my symptoms and the beginning of my nightmare. I have battled the last SEVEN 1/2 years, trying to be the healthy, strong, active person I was before. Most people don’t have a clue what I have tried to restore my health. Most people don’t have a clue that nearly EVERY SINGLE DAY for SEVEN DAMN YEARS I haven’t felt well and that I put my happy face on when I go to work, church or any outing, and just “get my crap done”. I try to enjoy life, I coach my kids in sports, I try to be the best teacher, wife, mom, friend, person I can, but I fight it every day. Some days I do feel okay and have more energy and ready to go, but most I don’t. Most days no matter what I do or don’t eat, my stomach feels bloated, like it’s going to explode, nauseous, it’s loud for no reason and I look 7 months pregnant by the end of the day. My weight fluctuates up and down and I am having a hard time keeping it off despite my efforts. My food intolerances have gotten worse each year. My cholesterol is dangerously low because I am not absorbing healthy fat which in turn affects my hormones. I eat healthy fats- coconut oil, avocado, nuts and seeds (cashews-raw and organic-seem to do better for me than almonds)- there is no reason for this. My vision is blurry, I am in a brain fog daily, I am fatigued and just want to lay down. My ears feel like there is constant pressure and they are going to burst. It hurts. I get headaches, joint aches and my legs feel like they have lead in them. All of this gets worse as each month passes and nobody can figure it out. I teach Yoga twice a day at the school and do the workouts with the kids, and some days it wipes me out.
About 3.5 weeks ago I couldn’t sleep because I had a pain in my right armpit/breast. I woke up frequently wondering what was going on. It has bothered me since and wakes me up during the night regularly. If you know me, you know I am super active, productive, highly driven and motivated, but each day is a struggle and I am tired of it. I DON’T want to live like this anymore, so if there is a chance that removing my implants will provide healing and improve my health, I am going to try it. I’ve done about everything else and the battle rages on, so the only thing I’ve got to lose is some money and some fake boobs, which I don’t even care about anymore!
Honestly, I am mentally prepared for this, I feel peace and have conversations with my body asking for forgiveness for what I have put it through and for healing and health as I prepare for this procedure. If it doesn’t provide instant relief, I have come to the conclusion and acceptance that it will be beneficial and pay off one way or another. I don’t have to get new implants or worry about more surgeries, I am releasing toxicity from the implants- because let’s be honest-they are toxic and are a breeding ground for bacteria and mold to flourish. It WILL help and I WILL benefit. I am very optimistic that this will provide at least 50% healing, if not more in time. 8 years in means it could take at least 8 months to detox and heal. I am ready.
Most of you know that I am not one to care what others say or think about the path that I choose to take in my life. It is my life, my journey and I know what is best for me. I am my own advocate, I know myself and my body best. This is no different. You may disagree, you may choose to ignore or even call me crazy (I am crazy and I embrace it), I respect your opinion for yourself and hold no hard feelings. Each person is on their own journey and the beauty of it is that we get to decide what works best for us. I hope you have the courage to do the same on your journey. I will keep you posted as I release, let go and move on with healing in many ways. They say “trial and error”, but I look at the path I’ve taken as trial and learn, step by step, line upon line, learning, living and gaining knowledge and experiences along the way becoming better with each one. 10 days and counting. Let’s do this.
